my history with Clara

when I was little, I was never that pretty girl.. I feel like i wasn't myself for years. I didn't want to be a tomboy, but I never had a baby doll after the age of three or four.. I wanted one! oh, I wanted one so badly. But what would Johnny think? Johnny is my big brother, the most wonderful big brother in the world. I wanted to be tough, be almost as good as a boy. So no dolls for me. I stuck to bugs and animals and the things Johnny liked. A big part of my life, I don't even remember. I feel like I almost just blocked out the memories.
Then when i was thirteen, I met Clara. Clara made me feel like I could be that pretty girl. Clara gave me the confidence to talk to boys, they were beginning to notice me, but why didn't it make me happy? I started to listen to the things Clara said. I stopped eating breakfast and lunch altogether, for two years I survived on one meal a day. I still don't really understand how I maintained a medically healthy weight. then I left my school to homeschool for a year. Things got worse. Really fast. There were weeks where i would eat nerds. About a box per week. And that was it. Ive never been sadder than I was last year. Or lonelier.
 I finally acknowledged that I had a problem.. And told my family. They have been so amazing about it! Every single one of them. But one in particular. Laura. Laura is my second oldest sister, ten years older than me. I wish I was capable of adequately expressing how amazing she has been. She is so understanding, so loving, so.. so wonderful. Every day I thank God so much for her. I don't know how she does it, but when I'm with Laura, she actually makes me want to eat. no one else can do that. She has never gotten at all angry at me because of Clara. Many others have... I dont blame them, it's impossible to know what it's like to know Clara until you actually do know her.
Now, I go to a psychiatrist once a week. I've only been going about a month. She says I have depression. I'm not surprised. That darkness in my heart.. it couldn't be only anorexia.
Things aren't getting better yet.. I'm back at school, so there are more things to distract me from the sadness. But it's also getting kind of harder. I know I'm getting thinner... I'm eating less than before. But I have hope, I know God is on my side, and I have beautiful friends and a wonderful family who are praying for me and helping me in my war. Theres a light at the end of this long, long tunnel.