mirrors

I think the scariest thing about Clara is her ability to put things out of perspective.. to take away my sense of perspective. it's like when you're in a show, and you're putting on your stage makeup. and all the mirrors are being used by other people, except one, and it's a magnifying one. So as you put on your makeup, all you can see is the imperfection of your face. the nose too round, the cheekbones too pointy. from far away, they don't look like this. but when you can't see the bigger picture, everything looks off, just wrong. When other people look at me, they see a thin girl. but when i see myself in the mirror, all i can seem to see is those fat legs.. that waist too big. I'm not even warned by the contradicting signs, all the bones visible in my back, every rib showing. Where is the disconnect? Why can't I see the bigger picture? When i was little, i used to wonder about anorexia. "why don't they just eat?" someone once told me about how anorexic people see a fat girl when they look in the mirror. i thought that wasn't possible, it was just a figure of speech. It's not. Clara is there... it isn't just Jeanne in that mirror anymore.