Call it selfish, call it cocky, but I like to feel strong. I like to feel in control. but just the other day, i read this quote, and it made me think. hard.
"You’re not dead, but you’re not alive, either. You’re a wintergirl, caught in between the worlds. You’re a ghost with a beating heart. Soon you’ll cross the border and be with me. I’m so stoked. I miss you wicked.”
it scared me. i read this quote, and i was afraid. I could no longer fool myself into believing that I'm strong. I had to admit that I'm just a frightened little girl who's in way over her head.
Because this quote, it was Clara talking straight to me. "Soon you'll cross the border and be with me." Clara wants me with her. I don't want to be where she is. I don't like the side of me that is Clara. Rather, I don't like the side of me that Clara has influence over. I am not Clara, no part of me is Clara. I am a wintergirl. i understand why the book is called Wintergirls. Anorexia hardens you. tries to shut out the love and the warmth and leave only the bones. only the cold bones.
Clara is waiting on the other side for me. she can't wait to have me with her. so yesterday i made a promise to my best friend: I will never cut again. Because although I've failed at so many things, I have not failed at keeping my promises. so I will never cut again. I made this friend promise to hold me accountable, and so the slippery slope has an ending, at least in this area.
God is good, love is here, life will go on.
