time to look at the big picture?

“If I had lady-spider legs, I would weave a sky where the stars lined up. Matresses would be tied down tight to their trucks, bodies would never crash through windshields. The moon would rise above the wine-dark sea and give babies only to maidens and musicians who had prayed long and hard. Lost girls wouldn't need compasses or maps. They would find gingerbread paths to lead them out of the forest and home again. They would never sleep in silver boxes with white velvet sheets, not until they were wrinkled-paper grandmas and ready for the trip."

the lady-spider legs. it all hinges on them.

because if i focus on one thing, then everything else will fall into place. right? and that thing happens to be my body. Maybe I should choose something else. it's hard when the thing i chose to focus on, can never be perfect in my eyes. 

Always having to be smaller, smaller, smaller. 

i need to either refocus, or look at the big picture instead.

 i love that quote. 

easter!

happy easter, everyone! i love you all so much!!! <3

my scars are a part of me.

Today was awesome. So busy, Ive been out and about since early this morning! but we got all the supplies for the play, the biggest stash of food ever, and it's great.

I saw this picture when I was looking for things for my blog, and i was instantly so excited! other people feel like that too!!! Today i was getting a thick foundation for the play makeup, and I was testing it on my wrist to see if it was the right color. I blended it in, and my scars were suddenly gone! not completely, but just light pink instead of the darker purply red they usually are. And on one side i was excited, because i could cover them up for the play, and not so many people would notice and stare. but on the other side, just like the picture says, i felt lost.
The marks on my wrists, they are a constant reminder of what I've lived through. They're sometimes a reminder to never go back to cutting so deep. Other times, they tempt me to cut again. Why do I need them? why do they define me? I keep thinking about it, but I can't explain it, even in my head. when i have new cuts, I like to look at them. They look so pretty, the dark  crimson against the light of my skin.
They shouldn't look pretty to me.

I can't figure out why they appeal to me so much. i look for scars on other people's wrists, and if I happen to see some, I feel an instant bond with that person. Maybe that's more normal. I mean, having the same problems as a person can make you feel kinship.

But I still can't understand this strange attachment. Maybe I should stop thinking about it so much... who knows. oh well.

playyyyyyyyy!

Some days are so exhausting... Today at play practice, I was having such a hard time. Three hours of working on one scene, "Small House of Uncle Thomas". It's a version of singing and dancing of Uncle Tom's Cabin, and as Tuptim I narrate the whole thing. I just kept missing my entrances, because the tempo and the key change every three seconds! And when I mess up, so do the singers and dancers. So there's a lot of pressure on little old me.. and the longer it went the more emotional i got, and the closer I came to bursting into tears. Thank God I finished without tears.
And afterwards, Mr. Morch, the accompanist, was so sweet, and said, "We're ready! you've got this!" He's been so kind to me through this whole process, and it was so sweet. I couldn't be so sad after such sweet encouragement!
it's so hard to go on with so much stress though.... Tomorrow, I'm just going to sleep in, and nap all day.
So much stress!!!

I'm sorry.

so.. I messed up today. What I messed up on isn't too important... but I really did mess up. And I feel so sorry! I mean.. this is Holy Week. How could i be doing things wrong this week of all weeks?! Weak. I am so weak. It makes me want to cry... Foolish me.. loading more hurts on Jesus' back when he's already carrying so much. Making His cross heavier with my foolish, selfish little sins of self-hatred.
I am so sorry.

I'm sorry to you, anyone who reads this. i'm sorry to my family, I'm sorry to all my loves. i wish i could make up for all the times i've messed up... I wish I could make up for these times, but there is nothing we can do to change the past. all we can do is go on, and try to make the future a better place to live in. I'm going straight to confession, and i'm starting all over again. I pray that God will give me the strength to come out of this stronger in His love, and with more determination to do better.

there is still hope, time for a world reborn.

baby days :)

my blog is so full of little kateri these days! I can't help it, Teresa's house is where i spend every spare moment lately, and what better thing to talk about than babies?! so, without more ado, here's the daily picture of little Kateri and me.

Isn't her little face just so sweet? there's literally nothing more special than holding a little naked baby. And look how chubby she's getting! :D

And there she is, dancing in her dreams! she looks so big in that picture!
Today for the first time, she held my finger in her hand while I was giving her a bottle! She isn't one to hold people's hands, so it was very special. I just love that baby so much!








And just one last picture---so cuddly! she is such a special little girl. I'm always just so amazed that I (simple, undeserving me) I am able to hold this sweet child so often!

God is so good.

Today was so nice, we went to a beautiful brunch at Nonie and Nano's, and they got to meet little Kateri for the first time! She was so good, and hardly fussy.
There's something about babies, and holding them, they make everything else just go away, and simply cease to matter! That beautiful little saint (because there isn't a bit of sin on that perfect soul) just trusts a sinner like me to hold her and keep her safe, and that is the most amazing thing that could possibly be.
I'm forever in awe that God would trust me to hold her, and be her aunty, and I'm unbelievably grateful. I thank Him every day. May God bless and keep little Kateri, every day of her life.

(i just noticed, I'm wearing glasses in practically every picture I have with Kateri! so weird!)

busy times!

So. i met my new psychiatrist. and i like him! we talked a lot about putting me on prozac (i dont know how to spell that) and i think that'll be happening soon! so, very exciting stuff. very necessary, because lately I've been losing weight at a pretty fast rate and it's scaring anyone. But i really feel like there's hope on the horizon, you know? and yesterday, when my mom weighed me, i had gained a pound and a half. it's not much, but its a beginning, and i'm very grateful!
Times are extra hard right now... I've been too busy for my own good and soon it'll be tech week for the musical. but after that, it'll all be over! so there's an end in sight. I'm working hard.

Here's the latest picture of beautiful little Kateri and I! I love her so much.

Babies are a blessing!

so, i never made a post about Teresa's new baby... but, may I just say, she is beautiful. Her name is Kateri, and she has blue eyes and dark brown hair, and she can already smile! She is so calm and sweet, and she barely cries, and I love her more than anything in the whole world. she is perfect. that's her and me in that picture :) she's so tiny, isnt she? that beautiful little girl. Thank God for His mercies.

go forward with hope!

moving on is the best. that is all.

lessons through pain

The beauty in life isn't in finding perfection, it's in finding the means and the strength to get through pain. I've been trying so hard lately, but it turns out that when we weighed me today, I had lost some weight. I was really angry at first. Angry at myself, angry at my body for not growing the way we want it to... but who am I to complain? It's hard not to be seeing the results I want, but I'm learning so many valuable lessons through these hardships. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist on Tuesday. We'll learn more. And everything will get better.

old couples are the cutest thing.

so sweet <3

life is lovely!

No more being down on yourself! Life is a beautiful thing, and the only way to live it is being okay with not being the most beautiful, or perfect, but just being yourself, the you God made you.
Tomorrow I'm competing at Nationals. My dream is to be an opera singer.. But how can I do that if I'm not confident in myself, in my worth? I believe that this is the way it is with everyone. The only way to achieve our dreams is to trust in God and go forward with hope and joy!