So, I haven't posted in a while. I've been going to a nutritionist for about a month (i think?) now, and lately, it's really been a struggle. For the first weeks, I had been gradually gaining weight, and the doctor (we'll call the nutritionist that) was pleased with my efforts. But honestly, my body image has really been suffering. It's getting harder and harder to force myself to eat each meal, and Clara is getting incredibly strong. I don't really know what I'm doing wrong.. But somehow, Clara is steadily gaining power. I find myself constantly rebelling at just the thought of letting go of her. My identity is tied up in this disease that has taken over my mind. When i think of myself, i think.. "Jeanne the anorexic." I can't separate myself from Clara, even in my mind. I can't imagine life without this, I just don't know what it could be like. I don't remember real happiness, how to feel carefree. I don't remember how to eat ice cream without guilt and self-hatred taking over after three bites.
i used to love ice cream.
but i'm fat, fat, fat, and i get fatter every day. when i'm out, i can see their eyes, everyone, only seeing me for what is outside. and there isn't much good to see. When i stand, i hate to let my arms touch my sides. and the day that I can see no sunlight through the opening between my thighs, will be the worst day of my life. See, this is who I am. this cold heart who is tied up in her identity of self hatred. I'm not worth loving, because I can't love well enough myself.
Just wait, and watch where I go.
have you ever seen the Manassas Fairy? she always walks alone. she walks for hours through the town, with her thin thin legs, and her long wispy hair. I expect I'll end up like her one day. Walking alone through the streets, working off the effects of the one meal I allowed myself to eat in my lonely apartment that day.
Don't believe anything you hear otherwise, anorexic girls aren't happy.
