Beautiful Mess

Just lately, I found myself realizing how essential it is to our humanity that we realize our imperfection. That it's okay to love someone who loves someone else. It's okay to suck at dancing or sing off key once in awhile. As long as you know how to have adventures, and you take time to smile at a stranger, or hug someone you love, you're as perfect as you'll ever get. take ownership of your imperfection. because you know what? you're beautiful.

New Instrument!

Merry Christmas to me! I got this lovely little old guitar at the Class and Trash in  Richmond, a little antique type store full of little treasures! it was the perfect consolation for a three hour drive back home through traffic with a very hungry and tired baby. I think it's perfectly adorable.

You're ugly and old but you sound just fine,

the hole in your heart just matches mine

and my tattered wrist is strumming time with you!

a silly little rhyme on the way home :)


ps: happy first Sunday of Advent! Let's make this one count.

Thanksgiving

Well here we are, Thanksgiving. I feel like this year, I have more to be thankful for than ever before. i mean.. first of all, there's my family. I love them so much, and they have supported and helped me through so much. Then, obviously, there are my friends. I love those crazy loves so much, i can't even handle it! and then… the babies, and my recovery, and my kitty, and… I'm so blessed.

pinterest poem

i found this on pinterest and copied it exactly as I found it... is it just me or is this heartbreaking? 

The Lost Baby Poem

The time I dropped your almost body down

down to meet the waters under the city

and run one with the sewage to the sea

what did i know about waters rushing back

what did i know about drowning

or being drowned

you would have been born into winter

in the year of the disconnected gas

and no car     we would have made the thin

walk over genesee hill into the canada wind

to watch you slip like ice into strangers' hands

you would have fallen naked as snow into winter

if you were here i could tell you these

and some other things

If i am ever less than a mountain

for your definite brothers and sisters

let the rivers pour over my head

let the sea take me for a spiller

of seas     let black men call me stranger

always    for your never named sake

-Lucille Clifton

senior play

i know this is a total uggo picture of me…. but i just had to share how perfectly precious of charlotte it is! when i first went on stage for the senior play, she stood up on her seat and started shouting "GIGI! GIGI!" it was so loud i could hear her from onstage! and then afterwards we got this adorable picture of  me and her. i love this girl so much!

my lovely ones

my sweet little girl! charlotte talks so much lately, its precious! when she's over, and i go into another room, she calls "GIGI! GIGI!"until I come back in. 

snuggle time!

and look at sweet baby k! she's growing so fast, has TWO teeth, and has been pulling herself up into a standing position!!! I'm so proud of her.

The Scarecrow

She stands like a scarecrow. 

tattered, beaten, unable to move. 

her legs are deep buried in the ground, 

but she herself put them there.

"Just give me my freedom!" she cries. 

but no one is holding her there.

she could dig herself out; dance away…

But she doesn't.

She does not even serve a purpose where she is.

no crows come here. no one eats here.

The people who pass feel anger inside.

they hate her for her uselessness, condemn her for her tears.

But somehow, they are glad of her, too.
She makes them feel useful.
"At least we're not like her," they say..
spiteful things.

Her face wears away, the bones are exposed.
Time has taken its toll.
If you walked past, you could hardly know
that she had once been a real girl.

And there she will always stand..
Dark tear stains running down her featureless face
Remnants of a time long gone
when she could still cry.

and daily she asks herself,
"How did it come to this?"
and wishes she had run home and danced
when she still had the chance.

You are ours.

if you were here now, we would feel you kicking. 

we would hope and pray and smile

for you.

we miss you already, sweet baby.

In a few months, we would hold you in our arms

kiss your little hands

and feet.

you would wrinkle your nose.

you would be an early smiler. 

these things I know.

we would act like fools

to make you smile and maybe laugh.

You would watch the world with big eyes

and wonder how it turned.

One night I had a dream 

that you were with us.

And we could see you, so small.. so strong.

That dream was true, you are ours.

but we have to trust that you are here. 

you are watching us always,

with wisdom that we ourselves have yet to learn.

I hope you know how much we love you…

how much I love you. 

HA!

You know what? food is fantastic. It's so yummy. I LOVE FOOD. so there.

poem of the day

We are Individual.

In all of us there exists 

the need not to feel alone.

We cling blindly to one another

Like twigs in a current.

We go through life like sailors

Always looking for an island,

Always fearing to lose sight of land...

Always fearing.

Misfits are shaken off and cast out,

feared as we ask ourselves,

"Am I different too?"

And we are.

It's strange, but we need not fear

to be alone.

A twig entangled

loses its identity, itself.

it should be more greatly feared 

to become faceless and blend in,

than it is to sail along the current alone

unique, standing out.

It serves us well to be unique.

It is fitting that we smile with our own faces,

laugh with our own laughs, 

and love with our own hearts.

Overview!

Well! I haven't posted in forever! These have been the busiest two months. School started, of course, and it's been two great months. I can't even begin to tell the things that have happened!

First of all, I am doing so very well with my eating, and I'm SO happy. Life has been so good lately.

Secondly, I got a kitten! I've been wanting a cat for the longest time, and my wonderful parents finally said yes!!! He's the sweetest little thing. He lives in my room, and every morning when I wake up he's on the floor waiting for me to get down from my bed so I can pet him. He's just the right mix of cuddly and playful, and I'm absolutely smitten. His name is Cisco.
We went to the pound to get a kitten on Saturday, and I never expected it would be so hard to choose! There were do many kittens, and they were all absolutely precious! But Cisco really stood out as the sweetest one with the most personality.

There he is! His birthday is on July 18th, and I'm going to have to make sure to celebrate for him :-)


hmm.... what else? Charlotte and Kateri are both doing so well!

how could anyone not love that face of hers?! She's exquisite. I'm a lucky auntie. 

and there's sweet kateri, who's growing up so big and strong! she's sitting up, and crawling around all by herself, and I love her so very much. 

It's been a good two months!!

shark attack!

This week is shark week.

Last night, rather poetically, i had a panic attack. The full-blown deal; I could hardly breathe, I felt trapped and afraid, and I paced back and forth in my room, tugging wildly at my hair and sobbing uncontrollably. Sometimes i think Hell must be something like a panic attack. The fear, the screaming, the sobs and the loss of hope. It was not a pretty sight.
Mimi was amazing through all of this, I have to say. She calmed me down, and never made me talk but was so kind.

I'm ashamed.

I slept about two hours last night, after lying in bed for hours, unable to stop thinking. My face was so hot, so swollen. When I woke up this morning, my eyes were still incredibly puffy and I looked awful.

I went to mass this morning and apologized to God. it's nice to know that He'll always forgive me. And He gave me a beautiful day with countless blessings. Charlotte was so sweet, and we went to a little fair with her. We celebrated Mimi's 22nd birthday, and it was pretty great.

I'll do better.

Aoko

I have adopted a baby bluebird! He's perfectly beautiful, and his name is Aoko. That's Japanese for blue child. Teresa found him on the road, he was flopping around and we think he was hit by a car. But he can fly, and it's just his leg that's broken!

The animal rescue people that we called either couldn't take him, or advised us to take him to the vet and have him put to sleep! i'm so glad we didn't because he's doing so well and it's so exciting to give this beautiful little animal a second chance!

here he is this morning!

I lost a battle, but not a war.

The past three weeks was a pretty bad relapse. I restricted wherever I could, and I withdrew inside myself again. It got bad... I was always unhappy, always hurting more and more. It got to its worst point... I cut. Bad, worse than ever before. I slashed my chest just about to shreds. My mom found out, and she was upset. Angry, too. I understand why, I guess. It would be a hard thing to see as a mother. But.. it was hard for me too. I'm so very tired of waking up to another day of eating every morning. I'm so tired of having to smile and tell everyone I'm okay. There are days when I wish I hadn't ever told anyone that I needed help. Then I could just eat when I wanted, as much as I wanted, and be happy. I wish things could be different.
I wish I were a regular girl. I wish I smiled and meant it, and trusted people, and loved myself.

But we all have our own wars.

I lost a big battle. It's been a week since I cut, and the cuts, too many to even count, covering my chest, are still red and angry and deep. They haven't healed, and neither has my heart.
This battle had its casualties.
I'm so exhausted.
So tired of fighting.

I try to sleep, but it won't come, and when it finally does, it comes with the nightmares. So many nights without rest, and then days full of battles. I can only take so much, God, so help me now.

I'm a mess, you see.

Sometimes I just realize how weak I am, and I can't help but sob. and my chest still aches. The deep ones take so long to heal!

And now we wait, to see if sleep will come.

Green Tulle and Letting go.

I learned a very important lesson this week.
It all began with a dress. A beautiful, perfect, tulle confection that I am going to be costumed in for the Emerald City in the Wizard of Oz.

It looks a lot like this. Only, it's all the green of the halter top, and instead of being a halter, it comes off the shoulders. I'll post pictures of it as soon as I get some! Hopefully Saturday.

Kelsey gave it to me to try on, on Monday, and I was so very happy as soon as I saw it! Its so gorgeous and vintage! But as I tried to zip it up, it wouldn't go.
I almost panicked. I stared into the mirror, and saw all the extra weight that was keeping me from this dress.
Then I struggled with that zipper, and after a long fight, during which Kelsey asked me twice if I was okay in the closet, I finally had that dress on.

And it was perfect, with one problem only. I couldn't breathe.

And I wanted to wear that dress so badly, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone that it didn't fit right. so i came out, and smiled, and showed her the dress and how perfect it was.

But I was scared. how could i wear it? Should I tell someone it was too small? But i wanted to wear it so badly. So I kept quiet and hoped. I didn't know what to do... should I lose the weight? No.. that was impossible. But it seemed to me the only solution.

Thankfully, I was wrong about that. I asked my mom after much deliberation, and she promised that she'll be able to fix it. Thank God!

I'm so happy to be able to wear the dress, but most of all, I'm proud of myself for being brave and letting go.

kateri today :)

today, I made Kateri laugh for the very first time! so exciting!

Here are a couple pictures I took of us:

she's SO CUTE! 

MONICA.

so. do you know, i love Monica!

here's why!

We do crazy things like putting on face masks to take pictures.....

putting wash-out hair dye in our hair.....

Monica is so encouraging. We were able to have a lovely sleepover last night, and it was so much fun!!! She's such a great friend. 

i dont even know.

yayyy!

this picture is my ultimate favorite thing. there's something about it... its seriously so hilarious.

that was funny..... i accidentally was really licking the weight in that picture. so gross.

to conclude, i love monica. i absolutely love that girl. she is fabulous.

ice cream and cake kisses

Today... was a very special day. First we all woke up, and talked, and ate, and were just together. then some of us went to the beach, and we got to spend time with the babies, and it was all wonderful. but it didn't end there! Tonight, we had Charlotte's birthday party. Her birthday was a month ago, but we all wanted to have a good party with the family together. So we had burgers and hot dogs, and then cake and ice cream.

and GUESS WHAT.

i ate ice cream.

I don't remember if I've ever posted about this before, but ice cream is a major fear food for me.

But it was Charlotte's birthday party, and I felt that I should do something for her. and making the sacrifice of eating a fear food seemed like the perfect thing!

So I was brave.

And somehow, charlotte thanked me.

When she was done eating, she was absolutely covered in cake and ice cream. Later, when I'm able to download the pictures, I'll show you. It was insane! So I picked her up out of her high chair and held her a little ways away from me, not wanting to get all messy. Then, I just embraced it. And she gave me the sweetest hugs, and patted my back, and squeezed my neck so tightly. She patted my face, and gave me the sweetest, sloppiest kisses in the world! She even kissed my nose, completing the insane amount of cake on my face.
It was the messiest, sweetest, most wonderful 5 minutes of my life.

God sends so many blessings, but Charlotte is one of the biggest ones He has blessed me with. She brings laughter, tears, and healing. She made me conquer a gigantic fear without even asking it of me.

I love my Charlotte so much.

the beach!

Leaving for the beach tomorrow!! I'm so excited to see Laura and Mimi, and to spend so much time with the whole family! Exams are finally over, and it's about time for a vacation! I'm really just tired out, and it's going to be sooooo good!

the house is a beautiful pink beach-house... (not that crazy fancy but still gorgeous)

the water will be clear blue and warm....

and we'll probably even see dolphins! 

and best of all, have time with the babies. 

ill post pictures as soon as i get back!!

a very important day.

Today, is a very very very important birthday. It is the birthday of one of my very best friends, and the funniest, most beautiful girl I know.
Her name is Mary Kate, and she is the beautiful little brown haired girl. i met her when I was in seventh grade, and I have been so lucky ever since to have her for my friend.
She never fails to make me laugh, and we've laughed together, cried together, and had no end of fun. when you're with Mk, you can't help being happy.
Some of my favorite memories I have are times that we would go swimming in her pool and eat dinner afterwards. Or watch the Office and make ourselves beautiful for a dance! She's helped me through the hardest times of my life, and done so much to make the best times as good as they were.

The one on the far left? That's her. Shes so beautiful, isn't she? she has the prettiest eyes in the world.

Everyone loves Mk!

YAYYY! i love her so much. She was Little Red Riding Hood that day, and she looked so beautiful! 

This is probably my favorite picture I've ever seen of her. She's most gorgeous when she's happy! <3

One time, we went bowling with her family, and i bowled granny style like a dork... and she didn't judge me or stop being my friend because she's cooler than me, she just took pictures for blackmail :) 

and this is why i love her.

Mary Kate is real. She forgives the shortcomings of other people, because she understands human nature. She believes in friendship, laughter, and joy.

And there's one lucky guy out there waiting to meet her, who will be the happiest guy in the world someday, because he will get to marry the most beautiful girl who has ever walked the face of this earth.

Mary Kate Healey is a princess. i know it, the world knows it. I don't know if she knows it, but maybe that's part of what makes her so special. she doesn't understand the extent of how loved she is by everyone.

Mk,

i love you! i hope this birthday is a good, beautiful one, and I hope we stay friends forever! I will miss you more than anything when you leave for college, don't forget, we have to Skype! i love you. 

Happy Birthday, beautiful little brown-haired girl! 

smiles :)

Sometimes life batters us. It throws everything it has in its arsenal at us, and expects us to somehow move on. But there are still beauties in life.. The blue sky peeping through the clouds, and an unexpected laugh. (when I typed that, i accidentally typed "pooping", so that said "the blue sky pooping through the clouds") sometimes it's the silliest of things that bring joy.

please help me out of this prison..

happiness through loss.

http://www.mtvhive.com/2013/04/05/beware-of-darkness-all-who-remain/

here's a beautiful song about loss that Johnny showed me today. if you click the link, you can stream the song underneath the description.

i think it's a really beautiful song, because it shows the genuine pain that comes with the loss of someone you love, but it isn't talking about the death of the one who died, it's talking about her life. And it talks about the way the people's lives whom she left behind will be affected by her death. Recently A nineteen-year-old girl named Christine died in a hiking accident. Her family was devastated, and my sister Teresa was showing me her sister's facebook page. I was so struck by the love and hope I could see in her family. They were obviously heartbroken at the loss of their daughter and sister, but they posted pictures full of such love and hope, remembering Christine's life with joy. I felt so inspired at the strength of this family.

I think it's time to try harder to make my life a life of complete joy, something that will be remembered as a consolation when i leave the world.

something i can't help but think about...

isn't she lovely?

lucky me, i got to spend a lovely day with my sweet kateri, and we took the nicest nap! she is the most precious baby there ever was. so cuddly!

songs of spring

this is a song that always makes me feel so hopeful. It took me a while to understand what it was about,  but it's about the earth! Addressing it like it's a girl. it's such a happy song somehow. I can't wait for summer. But spring is almost as good, once it's sprung!

prom!

The Cherry on Top: It's that Time of Year, Cont . . .
click on the link! quick! click on it! you wont regret it!

teresa took some wonderful pictures at prom! thank you so much, my dear sister!

prom was such a perfect night, i was voted prom princess, and that was such a blessing! i got to wear a tiara, and have my hands kissed, and Brian was such a gentleman. And we rode to prom in a JAGUAR! imagine that! Prom was at a gorgeous country club, where we danced the night away and ate such yummy food, and took so many pictures! I am so blessed to know so many beautiful and sweet people, and I have never had a more perfect time.

Thank you, Jesus, for EVERYTHING! :D

new day:)

“Another page turns on the calendar, April now, not March.

.........

I am spinning the silk threads of my story, weaving the fabric of my world...I spun out of control. Eating was hard. Breathing was hard. Living was hardest.

I wanted to swallow the bitter seeds of forgetfulness...Somehow, I dragged myself out of the dark and asked for help.

I spin and weave and knit my words and visions until a life starts to take shape.

There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore.

I am thawing.” 
----Wintergirls

i think this quote is perfect for today's post.. because it's in April, because I'm getting better, because I feel happy. My mom's been meeting me every day at school to eat lunch with me, and monitoring my other meals too. I was really upset about this at first, but I actually think it's been good! I'm very happy! And i think things are going in the right direction! So, thank God.

sunlight

my dear Monica sent me this beautiful poem. Somehow, it gives me hope.

i love my niece!

me and kateri taking a nap <3

she is so sweet. when she starts off sleeping on your stomach, she scoots herself up until she's all cozy right under your chin! its probably the most endearing thing in the world. so cozy!

I love this picture. That's how I picture prayers... colorful little angels in this dark, colorless world. spots of light that cover dark things with happiness.
and sad people who are struggling with things, they get covered up by the prayers without even knowing it!

the butterfly project, the one where you draw butterflies on the places where you want to cut, that reminds me of this picture too. they protect you.

this is just such a sweet picture :)

the pictures of Clara

I saw these strange pictures the other day, and they really struck me as being so much like anorexia. 

she shows you a picture of yourself, distorting it so you're not satisfied. but she flatters you, saying how beautiful you would be if you conformed to her ideas

then, she paints you into a new picture.. a picture of death.

 she intoxicates you with her sweet poison, leaving you never satisfied, and wishing for more, always more control.

 until you agree, and you begin to feed her. the less you eat, the better she feels about it. and she grows. she becomes stronger and stronger, until you are hers.
















then, the more you go over  to her way of life, she becomes complacent. you are hers in these two pictures, and she thinks she has nothing to worry about. look at her, sitting down so comfortable, with the whip in her hand... Clara is cruel.

 i don't like this part. see, there are two alternate endings. this one is that you go over completely, and you die because of her. i don't like that ending.

but i do like this one. this one is my favorite.. because it shows Clara where she should be, on the ground with no hope of ever getting me back again. and i swear, someday, that'll be me.

"everything will brighten up." and it has!

Recently, a friend sent me this song, and it just made me feel so happy, so i thought i'd share it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?client=mv-google&gl=US&hl=en&v=YCNy815SybY&nomobile=1
It's really hard to stay honest with my food this week, because i'm at play practice for two meals of the day. But.. this song reminds me of the people who i need to be strong for.
It's time to try harder.

There's one of the sweet pictures Teresa sent me last night of little Kateri.. They are in North Carolina visiting Laura, Mikey, and Charlotte, and Teresa has been so wonderful, sending me pictures every day. There is nothing better in the world than coming home from a long play practice, and seeing a picture of the sweetest little baby in the world!

and last of all, Guess WHAT! 

Jamie is visiting from Chicago to see The King and I!!!!!!! I haven't seen him since prom of last year, so it's been almost an entire year! I've missed him so much and i'm beyond excited to see him. 

this is going to be the best weekend ever. 

time to look at the big picture?

“If I had lady-spider legs, I would weave a sky where the stars lined up. Matresses would be tied down tight to their trucks, bodies would never crash through windshields. The moon would rise above the wine-dark sea and give babies only to maidens and musicians who had prayed long and hard. Lost girls wouldn't need compasses or maps. They would find gingerbread paths to lead them out of the forest and home again. They would never sleep in silver boxes with white velvet sheets, not until they were wrinkled-paper grandmas and ready for the trip."

the lady-spider legs. it all hinges on them.

because if i focus on one thing, then everything else will fall into place. right? and that thing happens to be my body. Maybe I should choose something else. it's hard when the thing i chose to focus on, can never be perfect in my eyes. 

Always having to be smaller, smaller, smaller. 

i need to either refocus, or look at the big picture instead.

 i love that quote. 

easter!

happy easter, everyone! i love you all so much!!! <3

my scars are a part of me.

Today was awesome. So busy, Ive been out and about since early this morning! but we got all the supplies for the play, the biggest stash of food ever, and it's great.

I saw this picture when I was looking for things for my blog, and i was instantly so excited! other people feel like that too!!! Today i was getting a thick foundation for the play makeup, and I was testing it on my wrist to see if it was the right color. I blended it in, and my scars were suddenly gone! not completely, but just light pink instead of the darker purply red they usually are. And on one side i was excited, because i could cover them up for the play, and not so many people would notice and stare. but on the other side, just like the picture says, i felt lost.
The marks on my wrists, they are a constant reminder of what I've lived through. They're sometimes a reminder to never go back to cutting so deep. Other times, they tempt me to cut again. Why do I need them? why do they define me? I keep thinking about it, but I can't explain it, even in my head. when i have new cuts, I like to look at them. They look so pretty, the dark  crimson against the light of my skin.
They shouldn't look pretty to me.

I can't figure out why they appeal to me so much. i look for scars on other people's wrists, and if I happen to see some, I feel an instant bond with that person. Maybe that's more normal. I mean, having the same problems as a person can make you feel kinship.

But I still can't understand this strange attachment. Maybe I should stop thinking about it so much... who knows. oh well.

playyyyyyyyy!

Some days are so exhausting... Today at play practice, I was having such a hard time. Three hours of working on one scene, "Small House of Uncle Thomas". It's a version of singing and dancing of Uncle Tom's Cabin, and as Tuptim I narrate the whole thing. I just kept missing my entrances, because the tempo and the key change every three seconds! And when I mess up, so do the singers and dancers. So there's a lot of pressure on little old me.. and the longer it went the more emotional i got, and the closer I came to bursting into tears. Thank God I finished without tears.
And afterwards, Mr. Morch, the accompanist, was so sweet, and said, "We're ready! you've got this!" He's been so kind to me through this whole process, and it was so sweet. I couldn't be so sad after such sweet encouragement!
it's so hard to go on with so much stress though.... Tomorrow, I'm just going to sleep in, and nap all day.
So much stress!!!