my history with Clara

when I was little, I was never that pretty girl.. I feel like i wasn't myself for years. I didn't want to be a tomboy, but I never had a baby doll after the age of three or four.. I wanted one! oh, I wanted one so badly. But what would Johnny think? Johnny is my big brother, the most wonderful big brother in the world. I wanted to be tough, be almost as good as a boy. So no dolls for me. I stuck to bugs and animals and the things Johnny liked. A big part of my life, I don't even remember. I feel like I almost just blocked out the memories.
Then when i was thirteen, I met Clara. Clara made me feel like I could be that pretty girl. Clara gave me the confidence to talk to boys, they were beginning to notice me, but why didn't it make me happy? I started to listen to the things Clara said. I stopped eating breakfast and lunch altogether, for two years I survived on one meal a day. I still don't really understand how I maintained a medically healthy weight. then I left my school to homeschool for a year. Things got worse. Really fast. There were weeks where i would eat nerds. About a box per week. And that was it. Ive never been sadder than I was last year. Or lonelier.
 I finally acknowledged that I had a problem.. And told my family. They have been so amazing about it! Every single one of them. But one in particular. Laura. Laura is my second oldest sister, ten years older than me. I wish I was capable of adequately expressing how amazing she has been. She is so understanding, so loving, so.. so wonderful. Every day I thank God so much for her. I don't know how she does it, but when I'm with Laura, she actually makes me want to eat. no one else can do that. She has never gotten at all angry at me because of Clara. Many others have... I dont blame them, it's impossible to know what it's like to know Clara until you actually do know her.
Now, I go to a psychiatrist once a week. I've only been going about a month. She says I have depression. I'm not surprised. That darkness in my heart.. it couldn't be only anorexia.
Things aren't getting better yet.. I'm back at school, so there are more things to distract me from the sadness. But it's also getting kind of harder. I know I'm getting thinner... I'm eating less than before. But I have hope, I know God is on my side, and I have beautiful friends and a wonderful family who are praying for me and helping me in my war. Theres a light at the end of this long, long tunnel.

mirrors

I think the scariest thing about Clara is her ability to put things out of perspective.. to take away my sense of perspective. it's like when you're in a show, and you're putting on your stage makeup. and all the mirrors are being used by other people, except one, and it's a magnifying one. So as you put on your makeup, all you can see is the imperfection of your face. the nose too round, the cheekbones too pointy. from far away, they don't look like this. but when you can't see the bigger picture, everything looks off, just wrong. When other people look at me, they see a thin girl. but when i see myself in the mirror, all i can seem to see is those fat legs.. that waist too big. I'm not even warned by the contradicting signs, all the bones visible in my back, every rib showing. Where is the disconnect? Why can't I see the bigger picture? When i was little, i used to wonder about anorexia. "why don't they just eat?" someone once told me about how anorexic people see a fat girl when they look in the mirror. i thought that wasn't possible, it was just a figure of speech. It's not. Clara is there... it isn't just Jeanne in that mirror anymore.

not our own beauty.

My mother recently told me that she read a study on anorexia that said that anorexic people often lose their ability to distinguish facial expressions on other people after a while. At first I was shocked, but then i began to see the connection.. Clara turns my gaze inward, on what i hate about myself. And when I'm focusing on what i hate about myself, i begin to believe that other people are thinking of what they hate about me too.. I've already seen that happen in my own case. It's almost like paranoia! Clara forces us to look only at ourselves, at all the bad things and not even see the good things. my beautiful sister Laura once told me that whenever i'm sad or feeling insufficient, i should just think to myself, "I am a child of God." Clara wants us to forget that. She wants us to think that we're on our own, if we don't have merit and worth by ourselves, we have nothing... we are nothing. she wants us to forget that on the sheer strength of being beloved children of God, we are beautiful. Clara goes along with the popular idea in this day and age that we have to be perfect.. she just takes it to a whole new level. Knowing Clara is like wearing sunglasses in a dark room... and it's already dark enough in this world.

knowing clara..

Her name is Clara. I've known Clara for three years, for three long years she has been my constant companion. Clara is the girl in the mirror, that girl inside me who never stops telling me that I'm not good enough. Clara hates when I eat.. Every day she does her best to convince me to stop. I'd be so much happier, so much prettier if I was only thinner. Clara goes by many names, has many faces. My doctor calls her anorexia, my mother calls her my cross. But to me, she is just Clara. I used to see her as a friend, a safety, but now I know that she is not. She is not me.. she sees beauty the wrong way. I myself know that outer beauty doesn't matter, that it is only the beauty within that counts. Clara tries to convince me otherwise every single day. Most days, my body is Clara's ally. I no longer feel hunger, it now goes beyond the mind games. I must fight to eat, against both Clara and my rebellious self. Every pound i lose, i must battle to win it back again, and Clara fights me every step of the way. She asks me why I want to be bigger.. Some days, i have an answer for her. Most days I don't. But I'll never give up on this Battle, I'll never give into my secret adversary. I can't give in to Clara, it's a life or death situation. So every morning, I wake up and go to the mirror. I look into Clara's blue eyes, and I tell her she is beautiful. and every time i do this, Clara loses her power over me. because she begins to believe that she is beautiful, inside and out. Every day, I put a smile on my face and try to muddle through. Most days the smile falters, most days Clara gets the better of me. But one day, I will be able to look at myself in the mirror, tell myself I am beautiful, and actually believe it. I pray and work for that day.. the day I don't have to fight to smile.