knowing clara..

Her name is Clara. I've known Clara for three years, for three long years she has been my constant companion. Clara is the girl in the mirror, that girl inside me who never stops telling me that I'm not good enough. Clara hates when I eat.. Every day she does her best to convince me to stop. I'd be so much happier, so much prettier if I was only thinner. Clara goes by many names, has many faces. My doctor calls her anorexia, my mother calls her my cross. But to me, she is just Clara. I used to see her as a friend, a safety, but now I know that she is not. She is not me.. she sees beauty the wrong way. I myself know that outer beauty doesn't matter, that it is only the beauty within that counts. Clara tries to convince me otherwise every single day. Most days, my body is Clara's ally. I no longer feel hunger, it now goes beyond the mind games. I must fight to eat, against both Clara and my rebellious self. Every pound i lose, i must battle to win it back again, and Clara fights me every step of the way. She asks me why I want to be bigger.. Some days, i have an answer for her. Most days I don't. But I'll never give up on this Battle, I'll never give into my secret adversary. I can't give in to Clara, it's a life or death situation. So every morning, I wake up and go to the mirror. I look into Clara's blue eyes, and I tell her she is beautiful. and every time i do this, Clara loses her power over me. because she begins to believe that she is beautiful, inside and out. Every day, I put a smile on my face and try to muddle through. Most days the smile falters, most days Clara gets the better of me. But one day, I will be able to look at myself in the mirror, tell myself I am beautiful, and actually believe it. I pray and work for that day.. the day I don't have to fight to smile.