This past week..

This week was a major crisis. MAJOR. My mom and i had a little disagreement, and, consequentially, she decided to weigh me.

Five Pounds Gone.

Chaos ensued, as you can probably imagine. And in the next three days, we had constant fake laughing, condescending, heartbroken fights, full of hurt and a terrible horrible terror at the very slightest of hints that Clara could possibly be coming back. But she isn't.
Thing is, the happiness crowding my chest right now is leaving no room for that kind of self-obsessed hatred.
I think I lost the weight because I was so busy every day with the play.. there's barely any time for eating in such an intensive musical as Les Mis! But I'm just going to gain it right back.
My life is just coming together into a cohesive joy right now! I am so happy.
And as much as I pretty obviously love breaking things up into their respective units and categorizing them, I absolutely cannot do that today. I am looking at my life from the perspective of an observer.. and Damn, it's looking pretty good to me. If I weren't me, I'd probably still want my life. Which is something I'm not quite used to.

Gosh, I'm happy.

Anyway,

"This is the first day of my life, I'm glad I didn't die before I met you. "

Sweet baby Sebastian

He has come! On wednesday the sweetest of babies was born into a ready world. At this very moment, as I write this, he is just almost 49 hours old, 49 hours in this world. How did we live before we met him? Sebastian Jude is an incredibly handsome little boy.

Here we are yesterday, on his second day in the world. He is more of a joy than we could have imagined, and tomorrow he will be baptized, and become the holiest little creature in the world. It's hard to think he isn't already!

I am a lucky auntie indeed.

These past few days have been hard, perhaps. The family took care of Kateri, and Teresa went through the pain of childbearing. But oh, goodness, how tiny these sacrifices are compared to the joy they brought! 

Kateri was a joy and a delight. She brought continuous laughter and excitement to our family. It was wonderful to take care of the little darling. 

And Teresa's pain was a greater joy, bringing in the most amazing, handsome little boy in the entire world. 

Thank you Jesus for your great mercies, for the beautiful marriage of Teresa and Pat and for their two precious children.

Charlotte

Yesterday was a very special day. My lovely niece Charlotte turned two! It's crazy to realize that it was two whole years ago when I first met her, and now she's become one of the biggest parts of my life.

This was taken the first time I ever held my sweet Charlotte.... and she has grown considerably since then! I remember I was nervous and shy of that tiny little bundle. I was so scared that I'd do something wrong!

She was such a little cuddly sweetheart. 

our little girl grew fast and furiously!

she was a cool cat!!!

best friends forever with her cousin Kateri!

she absolutely loves being outside!

immersion in nature is just so lovely! 

she spreads joy wherever she goes!

and now she is two years old and having about as much fun as is good for her! We all love her so dearly, and she has brought so much good into all of our lives. 

Our Lady of Sorrows

"We know Jesus because we are brought to him by others. Could we know his Passion, for example, without the great stories of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John? Without Paul the Apostle, or Moses and the prophets? Without the liturgy of the church, the wisdom and reflection of generations of saints, mystics, preachers, theologians, writers, scholars, artists and poets, as well as multitudes of ordinary Christians?

Yet among all of these one is unique — Mary, his mother. She knew Jesus from birth to death and resurrection and she knew him in a special way, as mother. She wrote nothing down — no words, no recollections are directly attributable to her — but the church does not think of her as a writer of recollections. Rather Mary is a living presence among us, who communicates a holy wisdom. She is a guide to those who walk by faith; an agent of the Holy Spirit, who helps us to know the mysteries of Christ.

She was there when they crucified him. A few simple sentences of the gospel describe her role: “There was standing by the Cross of Jesus, Mary, his mother.” Long before that moment she had learned to walk by faith, to wait, to trust , to believe. Then, as she stood stood there watching her Son die, Mary was tested as never before. And she did not falter.

The mysterious words of Jesus — “Behold your mother” — are meant for us, as well as for the disciple who stood watching with her. When the mystery of the Cross falls on us, Mary has been promised to us. She will be at our side, a brave companion who knows how to stand in the dark time of Calvary and wait for the light."

-by Victor Hoagland, C.P.

Yeah, I'm beautiful.

Sometimes when I look at the sky, I feel as pretty as the nature I see..
until I remember who I am.

But who am I to deny that I am beautiful?

I think for a lot of us.. we see ourselves so differently than others do. We don't see ourselves when we are happy, or excited, or taking care of others. We miss the beauty of love shining in our faces. We don't have the full picture, now do we? We are at a disadvantage. I am learning to value myself by my potential.

I can move mountains.

Heartbreak and loss?

no.. Get Over It. What man is worth crying over? very few.

Pick up your head, princess, your tiara is slipping.

As for me, I am standing up for who I am, the fact that I am worth worlds and God has proved that to me. My worth comes from Him who gives me strength. :) I am happy.

Love.

So... love is tricky. As a normal 17 year old girl, I have time and time again experienced the whirlwind of pride, mind games, and drama that is the high school romance. And as someone dealing with ED and self-harm, I know that for girls such as me, things are made even harder. We have a fear of rejection, an unwillingness to trust, and hearts that love with a clinging passion which can only end in pain.
I have believed for years that I needed a man to love me in order to love myself...

May I just call bullshit?


I am not a mother, but I have two little girls. Johnny told me that today. He's the best big brother I could ask for... Number One. My best friend Joseph and I went to the park today and sat on a bench and just talked and sat and laughed. Number Two. I have my sweet two little girls, Charlotte and Kateri. I have my little nephew and the little mystery on the way. Numbers Three, Four, Five, and Six. I have three beautiful sisters, who are always there for me and ready and willing to talk. Teresa. Number Seven. Laura. Number Eight. Mimi. Number Nine. And who could forget my nuisance of a little brother, who I would honestly do anything for... Number Ten.
And my parents are The unit of Number 11.



Just like that, I have 11 (technically 12) whole reasons to keep on living. Today, a good and true friend told me I should never feel like disappearing. That I am loved. I am loved. Who needs an empty romance with some guy who doesn't even want me?
Not me.

I am waiting.

And meanwhile, I am loving myself. Sooo... suck it, users and backstabbers and the ones who have left me behind. I have a better man waiting somewhere, whom I have yet to meet, and who will love me like you never could.

the only way out of the labyrinth... is to forgive.

My sweet little heart-life..

When did you meet death?

When did he enter in, 

into that should-be safe place?

He had no right.

Did you feel fear, sweet?

As the rest of us lived on..

did you weep?

Did you feel pain

or pass gently out of life?

I wish I had been there

To hold you as you died.

I wish I had known.

I trusted blindly in your life.

I should have thought and prayed.

I should have held my heart to you.

Until the blood came I was ignorant

that your life had passed.

I wish it had been I, love

I who was taken.

I had already lived.

now i live without you.

Maybe sometimes it's worth fighting.

I have grown increasingly addicted to the pain. But today someone told me why it's worth fighting.. Because even though I love that pain.. i don't need to see that blood anymore. I need to let it stay inside and make me strong. The pain makes my heart ugly. I guess I never considered that, but it makes sense. How can I love sufficiently if I am hurting myself every night? Maybe I have been building up walls. Maybe it's time to learn to be alone, and shatter those walls all by myself. '

to Kateri

Can I tell you a secret about the day you were born?

Mother's pain was joyfully fierce.

Daddy was sick with nervous joy.

And I went through the day in a daze.

That was your day, born into love.

And I was so proud of your perfect life.

You learned to breathe on your own

We all adored your new little self.

Can I tell you a secret about the very first day we met?

Your big eyes were buttoned up in sleep

I was so afraid of your fragility

But I dared to touch your tiny hand.

Your hat began to slide off,

I was too afraid to move your head

to put it right, you were too fragile.

I held you with awe and adoration.

Can I tell you a secret about the day you smiled?

I was holding you and you smiled in your sleep.

it must have been a lovely dream. 

I wondered at your innocent beauty.

Your smile grew as you did.

I love the way your nose wrinkled

and your eyes shone with pure happiness.

I worked to see that precious smile.

Can I tell you a secret about the way you grew?

It seemed to be by leaps and bounds.

Small pearly teeth appeared,

and your hands learned to grasp.

Your eyes began to focus and recognize, 

and your laugh rang out so sweetly. 

You kicked your small feet with happiness.

And you reached for the ones you wanted.

Can I tell you a secret about my hopes for you?

You will grow up strong, happy, and holy. 

You will never cease to love.

You will go into the world unafraid.

You will find your strength in the God who loves you.

You will see your own beauty and worth.

You will not distrust, even if you get hurt,

And this is sure, You will always be loved by me.